the hike!

This past weekend, a few of the volunteers (including me of course), led by Denzel, went on a hike in the mountains near Stellenbosch (the winelands). The mountain range was called “New Mountain” in Afrikaans. It was a brutal, but beautiful weekend.

“Be still and know that I am God.” –Psalm 46:10

That is about the only way I can describe the hike this weekend. The views, the stars, the excruciating pain; all glorious in their own way. There’s just something about being out in the wild-wide open spaces… the quiet… the stillness… so much that you can almost hear the world turn. There are times when it’s so silent, you wonder if all time has stopped. Just for a moment.

You then can hear the tiny whisper of God as His spirit blows about. There are times on a 3-day hike when you want to give up, pass out, die. Okay, maybe not that extreme, but when you see a mountain that still needs climbing when you are so close to the end, it’s hard not to get that sinking feeling.

Hiking is a brilliant metaphor for our lives with Christ… Not that you haven’t heard that before. There will always be mountains. There will always be pain. There will always be struggle before the end. We just have to push through to sense the relief of a summit or taste the victory of the end… the final stretch. We were never promised a perfect life, but we were promised a perfect love and a perfect grace. The mountains we face and climb only shape who we are. We become stronger with every step… every ache… every sinking feeling.

As we overcome our obstacles and trials, we are becoming who we ARE. Who we are truly meant to be.

-Kristen

Alternative Suffering

This week I have been sick with an awful sinus infection (brought upon by stretching myself too thin and singing A LOT), and therefore, I have taken a week off from projects and worship leading. But God is still teaching me…

Sometimes when I’m sick, and in turn, feeling useless, I wonder why this is my life? Why me? Why this plan, this face, this pain, this attitude, these talents? God, You have a funny way of putting things into perspective: Your perspective.

To doubt is human. To trust is God. One comes naturally, and the other we fight to experience in our own lives. We fight to experience Christ. We fight ourselves. We fight against the natural human inclination. We are called to sacrifice, to suffer as our Savior did. The ultimate suffering.

This week I have been battling sickness. A different kind of suffering, but it still changes my perspective and allows doubt to creep in. I hate being sick: the weakness, the pain, and the inability to do anything. It’s been a tough few days trying to act like everything is ok. I don’t want to be a burden, and more than anything, I hate being coddled. I get to this sick place because I push myself too hard. I don’t say no. I don’t spend enough time with God. In this state, I am experiencing a suffering of my own. The suffering I put myself through when I separate myself from God and people.

It is hard to be away from home right now. It’s easier to think about home and miss people when you’re a world away and not feeling good. There’s no one here that knows me well enough to understand that I don’t want to be touched or held or talked to. I just want to be. Only the closest people to me would understand that. It’s a little hard to escape the pity when you have 12 roommates. Lord, help me.

As my head throbs and my lungs seize, I can feel the pain of too much, and the suffering that comes with stubborn stupidity and lack of the word “no” in my vocabulary. I know I will eventually get well, but in this time, I have learned not to take advantage of my health. Not to take advantage of my time and my ministry here. When we try to run our lives, things don’t go right. That’s just a given. I’m ready to lean on Christ alone. The ultimate Physician.

Take my advice: rest when you “know” it’s necessary. Not when you “feel” it is, because frankly you may never “feel” that rest is necessary. Trust me, you will thank me later... :)

-Kristen

worship & a cup of coffee

This weekend… woof. Need I say more? It was a fantastic weekend, but utterly exhausting. I learned a lot about myself in this time and even more about worship. I feel like a broken record with every blog post: “I learned a lot about myself.” I don’t think God will ever stop showing me more. That’s the beauty of life!

I led worship at an Assembly of God church on Sunday morning and then helped lead at a non-denominational church in the evening. The two churches were far extremes of each other: the morning being ultra-responsive, and the evening being semi-lethargic. I realized that being in-tune with the Spirit in worship also means being in-tune with the attitudes and mindsets of the people in the room. The morning harbored a sense of freedom, like a free-flowing breeze: comfortable, lovely, refreshing. The evening harbored a sense of entrapment: people warring within themselves, holding on to their burdens, and new to the concept and freedom of musical worship.

Worship is life… it’s not just music. I lead musical worship, but it’s so much different than leading worship with your life. Sunday night, one of the volunteers who was at the church for worship came up to me to just thank me for a blessed time. I of course gave the glory to God, but then proceeded to explain to her my discoveries about worship. I described my experience in leading worship, like I was playing at a brick wall, etching away at the stone, and trying to shine any sort of light through the cracks. Some people let a little bit of their guard down, but not many. But it’s never about the masses in worship, it’s about the ONE. The lone sheep that strays. You leave the masses to find that one sheep. And maybe you don’t find or save them in your first venture out, but you get them closer to return. Then God does the rest.

Worship in music is a complete reflection of how you worship God daily. If you can’t get excited about your relationship with Christ in worship, then how can you get excited in your normal day-to-day walk? Music is just an added bonus to getting to worship God with our whole hearts and lives. It’s not necessary at all, but it is a joy… a blessing.

I know God has gifted me with the ability to lead worship musically, and I am so grateful and humbled. I pray for more opportunities to bring people to a closer place with God. And if I continue to play for the brick walls, eventually something will break. And regardless of the response, at least I can enjoy the worship!

I sit here with my cup of coffee, humbled by God’s sweet love. It is more boundless than I could ever know. God use me, but allow me to know my limits. I need to look at my own relationship with You sometimes. Here I am to worship.

-Kristen

cup of tea.

As I sit in the living room, listening to chill music, drinking my tea, surrounded by some of my international roomies: I can’t help but think of what brought me here. Drinking tea is a very European concept. We Americans wouldn’t just fire up a kettle and make a pot of tea for our guests, but now drinking tea has become my daily/nightly ritual. Right before bed, a cup of tea is down right soothing… And I really take the time to think and relax (which is awfully uncommon for me).

But anyways, back to “what brought me here?” How does God really orchestrate all of this? It’s clearly beyond me, but I can’t help but be amazed each and everyday I’m here; and more than that, humbled. I’m struggling this week though, and I’m not used to this feeling. I either never admit that I am having a hard time, or I just never let myself get this overwhelmed. I try to be too strong sometimes. Those that are closest to me know this fact.

Part of my struggle, I haven’t talked to my family in a couple weeks, and I haven’t talked to my sister since she was life-flighted to the hospital for her heart. It’s very hard to be away from home when the people closest to you are struggling. I just hope they can feel my heart and love for them all the way from Africa. In this time, I am forced to identify my limits… that’s a good thing though! Everyone should have a good understanding of how much they can handle. BOUNDARIES are such an important thing in ministry work! But sometimes we need to reach our limit to be aware of it.

Surprisingly, my bedtime is now 9pm… As I watch the minutes tick by waiting for 9pm, I can hear my heart beat. I can hear myself think. I can hear the doubts and fears. I can hear the pain. I can feel the reminder of Table Mountain that I climbed on Saturday… like bitter scars. Luckily, today the sunset was beautiful. Blazing on high from the front window of the house. It made me ever so grateful for the pain and struggle and for a God that can overcome all of it.

Favorite moment this week: At Accordian Primary School this week, we talked about “Values.” The students had to create their own planets and instill their own values and decide on laws. Many of the students decided on laws and rules like no littering, no violence and no smoking. Then the last group read their rules: everyone will have shelter, they will respect each other, and no child will be without parents. If only we could make that a law. YFC South Africa was founded with the fatherless child in mind. Every youth needs love and nurturing. They need those people in their life that are going to push them and inspire them and provide for them. It becomes so real when 11 year olds recognize such a need. In a moment and through a simple illustration, God reminded me why I am here in South Africa.

Prayer requests – Pray for the youth of the nation of South Africa. Pray that they can have those people in their lives to inspire them and raise them up. Pray for me to keep my focus, even in the hard times. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” –Phil. 4:13

-Kristen :)

And now for some pictures:

A sunset to be grateful for...

The summit of Table Mountain: accomplished.

Accordian Primary: a class working on their assignments.