Alternative Suffering

This week I have been sick with an awful sinus infection (brought upon by stretching myself too thin and singing A LOT), and therefore, I have taken a week off from projects and worship leading. But God is still teaching me…

Sometimes when I’m sick, and in turn, feeling useless, I wonder why this is my life? Why me? Why this plan, this face, this pain, this attitude, these talents? God, You have a funny way of putting things into perspective: Your perspective.

To doubt is human. To trust is God. One comes naturally, and the other we fight to experience in our own lives. We fight to experience Christ. We fight ourselves. We fight against the natural human inclination. We are called to sacrifice, to suffer as our Savior did. The ultimate suffering.

This week I have been battling sickness. A different kind of suffering, but it still changes my perspective and allows doubt to creep in. I hate being sick: the weakness, the pain, and the inability to do anything. It’s been a tough few days trying to act like everything is ok. I don’t want to be a burden, and more than anything, I hate being coddled. I get to this sick place because I push myself too hard. I don’t say no. I don’t spend enough time with God. In this state, I am experiencing a suffering of my own. The suffering I put myself through when I separate myself from God and people.

It is hard to be away from home right now. It’s easier to think about home and miss people when you’re a world away and not feeling good. There’s no one here that knows me well enough to understand that I don’t want to be touched or held or talked to. I just want to be. Only the closest people to me would understand that. It’s a little hard to escape the pity when you have 12 roommates. Lord, help me.

As my head throbs and my lungs seize, I can feel the pain of too much, and the suffering that comes with stubborn stupidity and lack of the word “no” in my vocabulary. I know I will eventually get well, but in this time, I have learned not to take advantage of my health. Not to take advantage of my time and my ministry here. When we try to run our lives, things don’t go right. That’s just a given. I’m ready to lean on Christ alone. The ultimate Physician.

Take my advice: rest when you “know” it’s necessary. Not when you “feel” it is, because frankly you may never “feel” that rest is necessary. Trust me, you will thank me later... :)

-Kristen